For want of a potato

I'm sorry I didn't post last week. It was one of those unfortunate times where I had too many deadlines and no internet access. While I wasn't able to get the blog written and up, I did get nearly everything else done.

There's one bit of news that I haven't mentioned on the blog yet because I've been a bit hesitant. My close friends and family already know but I'll tell the rest of you. My geriatric cat, Spud, the one I've mentioned in a few early posts, passed away two weeks ago. It wasn't unexpected -- she was almost 19 -- but her passing has definitely put a pall on my life. Not a good thing when I've had so many deadlines and obligations that couldn't be postponed. For some people losing a cat wouldn't be traumatic but I've had her for more than half of my life. She's comforted me during the most distressing moments in my life. That's a distinguishing achievement for any being, let alone a pet. I'm not telling you this because I want to be a pathetic figure or because I can't move on. Believe me, life has given me no choice but to move on.

I've never been one to criticize someone in mourning. It's a very personal thing that effects everyone differently. If an author wants to mourn for a year and a day, then that's what they need to do and I hope they find the peace they need during that time. Me? That's a bit hard to say. The last time I was in this sort of headspace I wasn't a serious writer. But how it progressed last time was completely different. This time around I'm oddly aware of my mental state and the precarious edge my schedule has forced me to walk. It's a very strange place to be. It's like living in someone else's head while being fully aware that it's still my mind.

That part isn't so bad, weird, but not bad. What I don't like is that this headspace is making my writing inconsistent. On good days I can produce the same quality words at the same pace. But if I'm having a difficult day I don't get much of anything on the page. Difficult days have already caused me to miss one deadline. While I don't want to miss another I don't want to ask for extensions because that would mean that I'm letting depression take control of my life when it should be the other way around. I'm stronger than this, damn it.

Grief aside, I've had enough experience with depression to know how I need to deal with it. Unfortunately my production issues have mitigated the effects of my usual therapies of choice. I've worked too hard to get my work to this stage to let my imbalanced brain muck it up. Please don't flood the comments with suggestions. As I said earlier, I know my own mind and if anyone is going to find a way through the brain fog, it'll be me. If you want to offer condolences, prayers, positive energy, go right ahead. What I don't want is a barrage of "try this therapist &/or medication"or "you need to do _____."I realize those kind of comments are offered out of concern and love but they aren't what I need. They may help someone else, but they won't help me.

So if I don't want advice, why bring all this up? Because depression and silence tend to go hand in hand. The last time I was in this headspace I pulled away from my friends and didn't tell anyone what I suffered. It made my recovery excruciatingly slow and I refuse to let my depression sabotage my life like that again. This time I'm being proactive. I'm telling you that my mind is currently teetering between okay and hanging in there. If I seem out of it or not as chatty as usual, it's because I am having a difficult day and need to be in the background for a bit. If I look pissed off, I am, but not because of any serious wrong doing on your part. My fuse is very short these days and it doesn't take much to set me off. Plus it may be the result of writing frustrations so don't take it personal. I'll be myself again in time. All I ask is that you be patient and understanding while I work my way through this.

Thanks!

Hello deadline...goodbye deadline

Another self-imposed deadline has sailed by and I'm exhausted. I've been writing at full speed for over a month and the novel still isn't done. Clearly I'm not one of those people who can write a first draft in seven months. Granted, if I only had one job or was able to write full time, that would be different. However, with the demands on my time being such as they are, I do not have that ability. Lesson learned.

Lesson aside, I feel that I have thoroughly established that the "I don't have time to write" myth is invalid. If I can crank out 6-8K while working two jobs and attending book signings, than anyone else can to.

I'm close to the end. I've only got about another 13K to go and come hell or high water, it will be finished this week. I've got fun and merriment planned for Memorial Day in honor of the book being complete and I am very much in need of a fun day. I also want the intended reason for the merriment to be justified so I MUST FINISH.

And on that note, it's time to dive back into the manuscript.

Virgin bride syndrome

When I finished my first book, back in January, it was in a panicked frenzy. Last year I gave myself a deadline -- the end of January -- to finish the first draft and over the course of the year I had fallen slightly behind. Not one to be defeated, I knuckled down, forsook sleep and socialization, and listened to far too much Rob Zombie as I completed the final chapters. As a result, when the moment of victory arrived (the morning of the deadline) didn't feel....well, victorious. I was excited, but more than that I was relieved. I had put so much pressure on myself to meet my self-imposed deadline that I couldn't enjoy clearing the first and perhaps largest hurdle of my career.

With that in mind, when I started my current project, it was with a more nebulous finish date in mind. I would do my best to have it finished by the second week in June, but if that didn't happen, that was ok because I'd still finish it. As you may remember from Damn the plot! Full speed ahead!
(http://ninjakeyboard.blogspot.com/2012/05/damn-plot-full-speed-ahead.html) I had a bit of a setback when I got distracted by all the cool things I could do in this story. As a result, I had to delete half of what I'd written. Yeah, big ouch.

The second week of June has come and gone. I'm still haven't finished, but I'm close. So close, I can taste it. Now instead of telling everyone to go away because I have X days to finish, I'm telling them to go away because I want to finish. No, I need to finish. Not because I can't bear to leave this story incomplete (although that is a factor), but because I feel the excitement that was absent the first time. I feel like a virgin bride. The wedding night is over, the jitters are gone, and idiotic fears have been laid to rest. I can sit back, relax, enjoy the journey, and have fun with it. And I am having fun with it. I've reached the fevered pique where I don't want to eat, sleep, go to work, or soak up the first rays of summer. I want to finish and unavoidable commitments (like my day job) just prolong the anticipation. This frenzy is different and so much better than the last. At times I wonder if I should leave the story alone for a little while so I can continue to relish it a little longer, but no. That would delay the finish and the finish is what I need. I need to bask in the afterglow.

Do I regret that I wasn't able to the first time? No, because the whole point of there being a first time is so you can get those embarrassing fumbles out of the way. As Mother would say, the worst is over. Now I can explore, delve, and find out just how goooood I can be. ;-)