Witches, candy, and ass-kicking...oh my!

This weekend I took some much needed time off to go see Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters with a friend.

Overall, the movie was good. It's an action packed flick which was exactly what I needed to blow off some stress. That being said, there were a few things that made me scratch my head and wonder what the writer was smoking?

(Spoiler Alert)

It was like they were trying to set the story in the same universe as Van Helsing and with the same modern attitude of A Knight's Tale but they didn't know how to combine the two. (I plan to use this film as proof that directors shouldn't write unless their first name starts with a J.) The steampunkish weapons were very cool but since we didn't get any explanation about where/how they were acquired, how strange and wondrous they were, or introduced to their eccentric and reclusive creator, they had a tendency to be an anomaly rather than an asset.

For example, the hand-crank tazer was a great tool, especially at the end when Gretel used it as a defibrillator. However, when the woodsman used it on the horned witch I wasn't sure if that was a sign that such technology was common or if they (Hansel and Gretel) instructed him on its use. Either way, I have to flag it as bad writing. There's a reason why in every classic Bond movie there is a scene where James visits Q. It's not just so Bond can get new toys, it's to show us what each discreet gadget does and to flag it as something important to the plot. Somehow that innocuous wristwatch that can summon a flock of rabid seagulls at the press of a button is going to save his life.

Another thing that bothered me about the tech was that the second they used it in a clever way, I had to unplug my brain before it was filled with a long list of reasons why that shouldn't work. The afore mentioned incident with the tazer turned defibrillator is a key example. A gadget like that isn't capable of producing a strong enough charge to restart a heart.

I will give the writer/director credit for a couple things. He did a good job of putting a new twist a classic Grimm's Fairy Tale and on witch lore. The explanations for the physical differences between white and black witches, while simple, was very effective and it fit in well with how both are portrayed in fairy tales. I also liked how Hansel and Gretel's journey came full circle in the end. That was a nice touch.

When all is said and done, despite how much I like the film, I have to say that Hollywood has provided us with another shining example of how not to tell a story. Exciting action sequences and a spectacular music score can't hide bad writing.

Damn the plot! Full speed ahead!

Last Saturday, with Memorial Day looming, I was feeling a bit patriotic. So when a good friend asked if I wanted to see Battleship, I said yes.

I know, I know. Watching a movie based on a board game isn't exactly the most appropriate gesture considering the many sacrifices of our service men and women. Believe me, if I had enough gas money, I would have gone to Willamette National Cemetery (it's a two hour drive, round trip) and placed flowers on my Grandparents' grave.

Anyway, I was curious about the film. How do you take a classic board game and turn it into a movie? It could be fantastic. Hollywood did that to Clue and (in my slightly biased opinion) it's one of the best movies of all time! But on the other hand, it could suck like a Hoover. So to play it safe I kept my expectations low. If all else failed, the explosions would keep it from being a total waste of time.

It turned out I was right on both counts.

The explosions were everything I wanted them to be. They were big, loud, and plentiful. It was glorious!

The plot....well, lets just say that I'm still trying to find it. I'm convinced that the writers are either schizophrenic, really really indecisive, or under a lot of pressure from the studio to write a blockbuster. I highly suspect it was the latter.

This movie suffered from an identity crisis. It was a mish mash of scenes borrowed from other popular movies. It was as if they were trying to make a screwball comedy, then a Top Gun-esque military flick, and after that it was Predator, Independence Day, Contact, Saving Private Ryan, and oh yeah, we have to put the board game in there somewhere, and while we're at it we should put a real vet in the movie since Act of Valor made that a thing...

The writers were so busy trying to create a blockbuster that would impress everybody, that they forgot what their real job was: To write a good story.

Notice I said a good story, as in a single good story. You can't create a good story out of seven good stories.

Think of it as a jigsaw puzzle.  If you took the pieces of seven different puzzles, mixed them all together, and picked out a random 100 pieces, there is absolutely no way you could put them together into a cohesive whole. It's impossible. You can't focus on one idea long enough to fully develop it. Plus, while you're jumping around from idea to idea, some vital details are left behind. Did you notice that they never explained why the aliens were here and what they were after? They explained how they found Earth and why they needed the satellites to phone home, but their true reason for coming was never adequately dealt with. I'm not even going to start talking about the many inaccuracies (both military and scientific) that a little research would have taken care of. That's a blog for another week.

So, you remember the plot problem I mentioned in my last blog? The one I was having with my short story? I was having the same problem as the writers of Battleship. My story had too many cool ideas. So many, that the real story was getting lost. I was also letting the pressure of impressing the editor(s) get to me. Thankfully, I discovered the fault in time to correct it. I had to scrap half of what I wrote, but it'll be worth it in the end because now I have the proper focus.

I can do my job. I can write a good story.

It's too bad it's too late for the writers of Battleship to do the same.